Don't Tell Mom!

I couldn't decide whether to title this "The Sins of My Father" or "Now I Know Why It Is Called Thanksgiving." Either way, I'm sure we shouldn't tell Mom about it. She still thinks I only like tofu and broccoli. I can't wait until next year! (Relax Mom, Dad didn't give me any beer!)


Live from Corpus Christi

Reporting live from Corpus Christi! Aunt Liz, Mom, and I drove down to Corpus Christi yesterday for an overnighter. After arriving we drove around downtown and looked at the moon along the shore. This morning, we walked on the beach and saw a jellyfish. We also watched four kittens play while we ate our free continental breakfast. Yum. I reminded Mom that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, but she said that didn't apply when danishes were involved. I'll have to follow-up with Dad on that. Aunt Liz introduced me to Fruit Loops. We made up a special dance that requires the mass consumption of sugary goodness in order to be properly executed. Good times!


I Can Explain

Dad didn't put my jersey on until there was only 2:55 left in the game. I can't dress myself, ya know. Maybe someone needs to remind him before next week's game.


Landscape Crew for Hire

My dad and my mom's dad are going to do some landscaping in the front yard next month. I went out today to do an initial survey so that I can prepare my ideas to suggest before they get too far in the planning progress. I hope they let me help out. I have a lot to offer - like moving mulch and manufacturing fresh fertilizer. I even have my own design consultant, Shadow. She knows a good bit about lawns.


Camping...it is so last week. Literally. And it has already been covered by a few of my friends, so just look here, here, here, here, and here. In summary, it was our first family camping trip and we had a super duper time. Even Shadow loved it, though she would appreciate someone picking up one of these for her before our next adventure in the wilderness.


Can I super-size that?

I super sized my doctor's appointment today. I think Mom should be proud of my economization really. Mom took me in to check on my week old cold. She wanted to make sure it was just a cold and that I was fit for travel. We're flying up to Pennsylvania later this week to visit Dad's old stomping ground. We had to wait in the examination room for quite a while, so Mom got out one of my bouncy balls for us to play with. She and I threw the ball around. It can really bounce in a small space! Smiles and giggles filled the room. Then, when I went after the ball...boom...I slipped and face planted into the hard tile floor. AHHHHHH! Mom rushed over to pick me up and comfort me, as usual, but this was no usual fall!
BLOOD! A lot of blood. More screaming. Repeat. I guess since the lips are so vascular they bleed a lot when they are injured. That's just my guess. I mean, I don't really know. I'm only 13 months old. In addition to confirming that my congestion is just a cold and declaring me fit for travel, the doctor also examined my newly injured upper lip. Those darn teeth bit into my lip when I fell, but no lasting damage is expected. Dumb teeth won't stop hurting me. When will the tyranny of the teeth be stopped? My lip swoll up pretty good (just more of me to love, Tate) for a couple of hours, but it is back to normal now.
Mom said the fall only played into her ridiculous complex about being an incompetent mother when at the doctor's office. Once she discovered that I had the world's tiniest yeast infection while waiting for the doctor and another time she took off my bib and scratched my chin with the velcro closure while waiting for the doctor. Maybe I should just find a doctor that doesn't make us wait. The up side is that Mom was impressed that despite us both wearing white shirts we came out of the doctor's office clean. Well, that's what she thought until she changed clothes and saw where I rubbed blood on the back of her shirt. My bad.


Day # 398

It started out as an ordinary day. I woke up, Mom removed me from my cage, I drank some milk, and I puked on Mom. So ok, puking on Mom isn't all that ordinary, but she is quite accustomed to having something undesirable on her each day. Man, have I told you about peeing on her during the service a few Sundays back? John baptized with water, Jesus baptized with fire and the Holy Spirit, and Josh baptizes with....really, it was a mess. Fortunately for Mom we were in the 8am service so hardly anyone was there. So weird, because the music was so good! Mom's shirt was dry before the 9:30am crowd (a.k.a our friends) were around. Please leave a comment if you were wondering why Mom smelled funny.

Ok, back to today. I took my morning nap, which is increasingly becoming known as my only nap. Despite Mom's best efforts and Kenny's cooing, I just can't bring myself to rest in the afternoons lately. There is so much going on. For instance, picnics. Yep, Mom and I had a picnic lunch out on the patio this afternoon. Avocado, watermelon, and cheese make a fine meal for the Josher. Mom also brought out some grapes. When I rejected one she put it in the watermelon bowl. Um, Mom, please! I quickly moved it back to the grape bowl. I must stay organized. I wish Mom would do better at being organized.

This afternoon Mom pushed me in the swing and I started walking. Not walking all alone, but walking more than I've ever walked before. I pushed Mom's chair across the living room. She pulled out the video camera and I did my best to stop walking as quick as I could. I also pushed a walking toy that G-daddy got for me last year around in my room before I went to bed tonight. I kind of like it, but I'm not convinced that it will ever match crawling and scooting. I've got speed with those two.

And last, but not least, I've gotten 5 teeth since turning 1. Look! I'm up to seven now- 4 on top and 3 on the bottom. Thanks for all of your support. I think Dad and Mom's Sunday school class is probably happy to have my teething off of the prayer request list for a few weeks. Cheese!



I want YOU to have a Happy Birthday!!!!

I love you tons!


Austin, The Josher Has Landed

Jump in the wayback machine Sherman! We're going back in time to the grand 'ol days of 2005.

(Wavy Dissolve)

Throughout the month of August, Mom had recurring episodes of contractions – 7 minutes apart for 12 hours, 5-10 minutes apart for 4 hours, etc. Whenever contractions began, she tried to keep them going by walking around. Mom was hopeful that I would be born early. “Thirty six weeks is full term,” she said over and over again. When my friend Katie, who was supposed to be born the same time as me, came a week early, Mom shifted to saying, “Why couldn’t I have my baby early?” Again, over and over. Dad just kept his head down and did his best to discourage her from getting her hopes up. What can I say? Who walks if they have a horse to ride?

J Minus one day, 6 hours, and 20 minutes:

Dad and Mom went to the final appointment with the OB. Mom’s exam showed that she was 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which was a little bit of progress from the prior week’s appointment. Because of that progress, the Doc decided that Mom would not have to go into the hospital that evening for a cervical softener. Instead, Dad and Mom went to the hospital at 6am the next morning, September 1, 2005, for the scheduled induction. Mom had to be induced because she had gestational diabetes. Dad says she also had ankles like memory foam pillows. Not sure if that’s related.

J Minus one day, four hours:

After the appointment, Dad and Mom spent a nice relaxing morning together trying to get labor started on its own. Mom’s parents (that’s my grandparents for those of you following along) arrived in the early afternoon, and everyone spent a couple of hours walking around Barton Creek Mall to see if Mom’s contractions would move along on their own. They did not.

J Minus 19 hours, 50 minutes:

This was also apparently the one time that Mom’s family came to visit that her parents did not automatically want to take Dad and Mom out to dinner. So sad for Dad. Mom couldn’t have eaten much anyway on her crazy diet. Instead, Dad cooked dinner. After dinner, Dad cleaned up an old sticky mess on the coffee table that he noticed when he unfolded the table to eat dinner. Now clearly, this was a brilliant time to do this…with a razor blade. But don’t worry, Dad didn’t injure himself while cleaning the table. He injured himself while cleaning off the razor blade afterwards. For future reference, Dad tells me that putting a vertical slice in your index finger with a razor blade makes it bleed a lot. Good to know.

J Minus 16 hours, 50 minutes:

After triage was performed, Dad cleaned up the dishes, and we (that’s right, all of us – you go where the horse takes ya sometimes) went upstairs to recheck the bags and make sure they had everything they needed. This is now the time that Dad and Mom planned on being in bed. After re-checking the bags, Dad discovered that Grandma had taken Shadow for a walk and returned home with one of the nails on Shadow’s back paw turned at a 90 degree angle. Shadow was not in a good place. While walking, she apparently lunged at another dog, dragging Grandma to the ground, and at some point, jacking up her nail. Deciding there was really nothing to do about it at 11pm, Dad and Mom decided that after Mom’s parents helped them get settled at the hospital, they could take Shadow to the vet the next morning. So, in a way, the whole family went to a hospital of some sort on my birthday. For future reference, Shadow tells me that lunging at another dog and almost ripping your nail off makes it bleed a lot. Good to know.

J Minus 13 hours, 50 minutes:

So Dad and Mom finally got to bed knowing they had to get up at about 4:30 the next morning. Sigh. Mom woke up about 2:30am with contractions, and ended up staying awake with Shadow, who wasn’t able to sleep either. So, Mom and Shadow kept each other company – in pain, with one of them starving (the one whose name rhymes with Bom). Mom did go eat two deviled eggs at 3:30, just in case she wasn’t allowed to eat anything else. Not exactly the relaxed night before J-day they had hoped for.

J Minus 8 hours, 10 minutes:

Dad, Mom, Grandpa and Grandma arrived at the hospital. Mom completed the paperwork while Dad and Grandpa took the bags to the room – Room 258 - which happened to be at the end of the hall right next to one of the waiting rooms (remember that little tidbit). They unpacked, set up the MP3 player and speakers, fluffed the pillows, took some pictures, and settled in.

The nurse, Bertha, came in to do the initial prep work and went over Dad and Mom’s birth plan. The nurse then came back and said that she wouldn’t be their nurse anymore, and that someone else would come in shortly. Kind of weird, but hey, whatever. It all worked out in the end (clearly). Makes ya wonder what the birth plan said, huh?

J Minus 6 hours, 44 minutes:

The new nurse, Theresa, started Mom’s IV. Mom had IV’s for medicine to induce contractions and antibiotics because she tested positive for some bacteria-deal, which could have been very dangerous for me. Because of all this, Mom was also hooked up to continuous fetal heart monitors. So on the left side of the bed, Mom was tethered to the fetal heart monitor equipment and a blood pressure cuff, and on the right side, she had her IV. Dad was unencumbered.

Now based on other pictures we have, Mom has always been pretty small, but apparently she got really lean during the last couple months of pregnancy, probably in large part due to the lack of carbohydrates in her diet because of the gestational diabetes. With the exception of her belly where I was shacking up, she became a skinny-mini with little fat on her body. This did create a slight technical difficulty – her arm was too small for the blood pressure cuff. Whenever it would inflate to check her blood pressure, you would hear the tearing of the one row of Velcro that was actually stuck together, and then it would blow out and either fly off her arm, or make weird, balloon-animal-esque shapes. When this happened, it typically registered a blood pressure reading of, oh, 7, which would set off the alarms on the machine. So after the first time, whenever Dad heard the ripping of Velcro, he would clamp his hands around the cuff to try and keep it from flying off. Ah. Good times. Eventually, one of the nurses found a smaller cuff - a kiddie cuff – and the blood pressure cuff adventures came to an end.

J Minus 5 hours 44 minutes:

At 8:06am, the Doc came in and examined Mom. She was 2-3 cm dilated, and 75% effaced, with yours truly at a -1 station. She then broke Mom’s water, which Mom said felt great, but man, did the water keep coming. Shortly after the doctor left, Mom had to shift over to her right side as my heart rate would dip during contractions with her in any other position. It’s not my fault – I didn’t ask to have my nice cushy waterbed removed…

Dad and Mom pretty much hung out for the next three hours or so. They talked and listened to music – sometimes pausing during a contraction. Dad read a little bit to Mom. Every time Mom had to get up to go to the bathroom, which was at least every hour (so no real change from the last month of pregnancy), it involved (1) unwrapping the blood pressure cuff, (2) unhooking the fetal heart monitor, and (3) wheeling the IV pole that was assembled at the same place that makes the crappy shopping cart wheels that never seem to be pointed in the same direction when you are trying to push it in a straight line over to the bathroom. And the IV tubing was just short enough that the pole had to be lifted over the threshold to the bathroom. Of course, the bathroom door height was also nearly identical to the height of the IV pole, so Dad repeatedly wacked the top of the IV pole against the door jam, jostling everything. Mom munched on ice from time to time, and ate one of her sugar-free Pedialite frozen bars – kind of syrupy.

J Minus 3 hours, 5 minutes:

The nurse examined Mom again. She was 4 cm dilated, 85% effaced, and I was at 0 station. The contractions were definitely more intense as Mom mostly wanted quiet so she could focus on relaxing during the contractions. Back massages helped a lot, but only Dad’s hands or this little plastic three-pronged thing they bought for $2.99 helped. The electric massager didn’t go over well, but at least it was better than the sock with tennis balls. One touch of that, and it was banished from a five foot radius of Mom. It’s apparently evil. A heated fabric bag full of rice that Mom made also worked wonders on her back.

Through the next hour, the contractions got progressively stronger, although they didn’t really ever settle into a distinct pattern or timing. They ranged from a couple of minutes apart to as much as five minutes apart. At 11:30am, we had what we call the “chunk incident”. As Mom went to the bathroom, they collected her urine in a bucket type thing that hung in the toilet so they could periodically test her urine. Dad went into the bathroom for some reason, and saw some blood clots in the bucket, which was the one thing that really grossed him out. As Dad came out of the bathroom, he was focused on trying to keep from hurling, and Mom wasn’t sure what was going on. After a minute to catch his breath, Dad explained what had happened, and they both laughed about it. Good times.

J Minus 2 hours, 5 minutes:

It was clear that Mom was in very hard, active labor. Mom had to sit up in bed to keep my heartbeat steady, and she was very focused on the contractions. For the next 45 minutes or so, it was very tough going for all of us. The contractions we pretty much right on top of each other, and were a little over a minute in duration. Some of them were off the chart. They were very, very strong, and Mom struggled to get through them. Dad kept a close eye on the monitor and encouraged Mom to breathe as she was staring to hold her breath as the contractions peaked. Doc came in and provided great encouragement to Mom by telling her how great she was managing. Oh, and suggested that it was gunna get even tougher. At least Dad never said “This one looks like a big one!”

Now, to Doc, Mom looked great. She had this mostly blank, placid look on her face, with a little bit of cringing as the contractions peaked. Interestingly enough, right before Doc came in, Mom was much less placid, and talking about how she couldn’t do it any more, and it hurt so bad, and she needed a break. But the minute the doctor, or even a nurse came in, the blank calm look would resume. Dad muttered something about bearing false witness, but wisely mostly kept his mouth shut.

J Minus 1 hour, 30 minutes:

Grandma felt it appropriate to come in and let Dad and Mom know that the vet had finally seen Shadow, sedated her, removed the injured toenail, and would keep her overnight free of charge for us. Now, Dad said he’s sure that she did this because she thought that Dad and Mom were worried about Shadow and that this would ease our minds. True. We all love Shadow. Dad and Mom were worried about her, but to be honest (sorry Shadow), kinda focused on something else. But if Mom wasn’t in transition at this time, she was awfully close, and they could’ve waited to hear about Shadow for a couple of hours. Transition changes everything.

Though out labor, Dad acted as Mom’s personal DJ – and maid, masseuse, personal trainer…but I digress. Classical music was good. The Cure was good. (Insert sound of Dad shuddering here.) Shawn Groves….. not so good. Go figure. Another fun discovery --- Mom is extremely neat during labor. From time to time as she walked over to the bathroom, blood dripped on the floor. Now, since it unusual for women to bleed as a six pound living person is slowly expelled from their body, Mom understandably thought it important for Dad to clean everything up. Dad said he thought about mentioning a weird idea that the hospital system might occasionally have a patient that bleeds on the floor and probably had retained the services of a few people who might be capable of cleaning up – but he wisely thought twice and happily mopped the floor. He didn’t even flinch when Mom told him that he missed a spot. For future reference, Mom tells me that expelling said six pound baby out of her body makes it bleed a lot. Good to know.

Okay, okay. Back to getting me out. At this point, Dad and Mom were focused on trying to get through one contraction to the next. The contractions were right on top of each other and had double, or even triple peaks, so there wasn’t much time to rest between them. Ultimately, Mom says that was probably the hardest part, not having rest. And not knowing how much longer it was. Mom went to the bathroom every once and a while, and they’d go through the routine of unhooking everything, slowly walking over to the bathroom, hitting the IV pole on the top of the door sill, mopping, etc. Mom started having a really difficult time during the contractions. It became very difficult for her to move at all, and she struggled to get past the peak of the contractions. Dad was wondering if this was full-on transition, because it seemed as though it really couldn’t get worse, and everything was very intense. Neither of them said anything to each other about asking for an epidural, but they were both thinking about it.

Although Dad began to think that this all sounded a lot like transition, he couldn’t piece together the fact that Mom was still hungry. Not being hungry is one of the guideposts of transition. However, not eating carbohydrates for two months apparently means that you don’t stop being hungry. Makes sense in retrospect.

Notably, Mom kept saying that her feet were freezing and that she wanted socks. However, she also did not want anyone (namely Dad) to touch her feet. As you might imagine, this made it very difficult to put socks on her feet. So Dad and Mom went through (1) “My feet are cold, where are those socks?”, (2) Dad gets socks, (3) Dad getting the Heisman pose and a glare as he approaches feet, (4) “I said my feet are cold!!”, and (5) go to (1). All attempts to put socks on Mom’s feet were abandoned shortly thereafter.

J Minus 1 hour:

During Mom’s last trip to the bathroom, she said “I feel like I need to push.” This was only about an hour after she had last been examined, so Dad had conflicting thoughts – “was that the worst, and now we’re at the pushing stage” and “oh – geez, they’re going to recheck her, and she’s still only going to be 4 cm, and we’re going to throw in the towel.” The nurse came in, checked Mom, and said that there was only a lip of the cervix left, meaning that Mom was just about to start pushing. Dad was over-joyed and told Mom how proud he was that she had done it, and that we were through the hard part. Apparently, Mom, on the inside, felt the same, but her face did not actually change expression, as she was still in her own little world.

J Minus 45 minutes:

Mom started pushing as several nurses came in and started getting ready for delivery. Mom’s comment as she starting to push was “I’M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!!!”. Dad held her legs and back up as she pushed, and got cold wash rags for her forehead and ice chips for her to eat. Similar to the contractions, the need to push came really quickly with no real pause between them. Mom pushed like a champ, however, and got nice, long pushes – three or four each contraction. As you might expect, she was loud during the pushing as she grunted and yelled during the hard work. However, during the short breaks between pushing, she would kindly apologize profusely to the nurses for being the only woman who was “so loud” during delivery. Also, that waiting room right next door? Where Grandpa and Grandma were? Thin walls. Enough said. I do like performing for a crowd.

J Minus 15 minutes:

After about 30 minutes of pushing and seeing the top of my head eke out, Doc came in. Mom had originally thought she wanted to watch me come out, so there was a mirror located at the departure point. It turned out Mom really had absolutely no interest in watching, touching my head, or doing anything except pushing. The doctor and nurses asked Mom to slow down pushing because I was coming so fast that they were concerned that she would tear. Mom said that their request was like asking someone to vomit more slowly. How precisely do you do that? Without warning from the doctor, my head was out. So was the one hand that I had had by my head in every sonogram. Hi-five baby!

J Minus Zero:

The doctor turned my head to the side in order to suction my nose and mouth, and I corkscrewed right out. No more pushing. The end happened all so fast there that it is still hard to believe. But I was out…all 6 lbs, and 4 oz of me. The nurse put me on Mom’s warm chest while Dad cut my cord.

So that’s it. That’s the story of how Josh got here one year ago today. Pretty crazy, huh? If I hadn’t written it down, I wouldn’t believe it myself.


Um...Tate... It's not what you think.

So last week we went to go see my friend Suzy, and since we live a long way away, Mom and Dad decided just to give me a bath there... 'cause I stank apparently. Maybe it has something to do with us living a mile away from the sun --- or at least that's what it feels like. Man, the only thing worse that sitting in a hot car seat would be being pregnant in heat like this!! Why is Mom glaring at me like that?

It turns out that Suzy needed a bath too. So it only made sense for us to take one together. Look, we're under severe drought conditions here... it's just good stewardship of the wonderful world that God gave us to use its resources wisely. What? Well just because I sound defensive doesn't mean I have anything to be defensive about. It was totally innocent. OK, well Suzy did have a rubber ducky to play with. I do love my rubber duckies.

So Tate, you have nothing to worry about. Well, Mom did say that Suzy's mom started talking about her needing a prom date, and Dad keeps saying "Dowry. How big will the dowry be? That's all I want to know." I'm not sure what that means, but I wouldn't read too much into that.

P.S. You probably shouldn't tell your Dad about this. He gives me the stink eye as it is, and I understand that I will in fact need my knees unbroken to walk.


A Little Face Time

My Cousin Tommy

Tggd by Tsh 3

This is back from June 20th. Better late than never, right?

10 Favorites
Favorite Season: Summer. Is there another one?
Favorite Color: Burnt Sienna. Dad got out the crayons which I understand will fit nicely into my nose.
Favorite Time: 5:55am. Nothing is better than watching the sun rise.
Favorite Food: It is a toss up between tofu and avocado.
Favorite Drink: Boobtini - shaken, not stirred.
Favorite Ice Cream: Never heard of it.
Favorite Place: Mom's arms. Ahh!
Favorite Sport: Toilet diving.
Favorite Actor: Matthew McConaughey, his hair is awesome.
Favorite Actress: Zoe from Sesame Street. Dad said that if I ever have twin sisters he wants to name them Zoe and Chloe. I had to help Mom pick her eyes up off the floor because they rolled out of her head.

9 Currents
Current Feeling: Sleepy
Current Drink: Drool
Current Time: 10:21pm
Current Show on TV: The Simpsons
Current Mobile used: Used to teethe on, right? Mom's mobile.
Current Windows Open: Blogger and Google.
Current Underwear: Pampers, size 4.
Current Clothes: Candy cane striped onesie. Mom picked it out.
Current Thought: How am I supposed to sleep looking like a candy cane?

8 Firsts
First Nickname: Josher
First Kiss: Mom
First Crush: Tate
First Best Friend: Dad
First Vehicle I Drove: Wooden train.
First Job: Baby
First Date: 9-1-05. My date with destiny.
First Pet: Shadow - dog.

7 Lasts
Last Drink: Some milk before bed.
Last Kiss: Mom
Last Meal: Rice cereal; Plums, bananas and rice; Tofu.
Last Web Site Visited: betterthingsahead.com
Last Movie Watched: Sesame Street, but I'll be honest with you it is hard to hold my attention much past Elmo's World.
Last Phone Call: Dad
Last TV show Watched: Clifford the Big Red Dog

6 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Broken the Law: No, but it should be illegal to be this cute.
Have You Ever Been Drunk: No, but I have been on these Rx's - Zantac, Zegerid, Nasonex, Zyrtec, Tylenol, and Benedryl.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: No, but people I didn't know have kissed me.
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire: No.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes, for 9 months.
Have You Ever Broken Anyone's Heart: Not yet, but ask me again in 15 years.

5 Things
Things You Can Hear Right Now: Air purifier and my best bud Kenny!
Things On Your Bed: My spare pacificer, my blanket, Dad's raggedy Andy, and a stuffed pig and butterfly my great grandma made me.
Things You Ate Today: Banana, rice cereal, grapes, avocado, apples and apricots, broccoli, and bagel. Wait, there was that handful of Shadow food that Mom missed.
Things You Can't Live Without: Dad, Mom, and a clean diaper.
Things You Do When You Are Bored: Throw blocks at Shadow. Crawl up Mom's legs. Neither of them like it when I am bored. Go figure.

4 Places You Have Been Today: We stayed home all day. Something about us melting if we left the house.

3 Things On Your Desk Right Now: I have not been supplied with a desk. Who do I contact regarding this matter?

2 Choices
Black or White: Black.
Hot or Cold: Cold, like tofu water.

1 Place You Want To Visit: Heaven - for a long visit, obviously.


Tggd by Tsh 2

It's a little late in coming, but here goes:

1. One book that changed your life.
The Bradley Method. Wouldn’t be here today if Mom and Dad hadn’t learned how to get me out. Man was that rough though! Although it seems to have been hardest on Dad. Wuss.

2. One book you've read more than once.
The Going-To-Bed Book. This was the first book that Dad read to me, and we read it every night for awhile. “The sun has set not long ago, now everybody goes below, to take a bath in one big tub, with soap all over scrub, scrub, scrub.”

3. One book you would want on a desert island.
Mmmmmm….. dessert….. what?.... desert?.. .why would I want to be on a desert island? You know what book I’d want? How to Get Off a Desert Island. Sheesh. What’s that Dad? Oh. The right answer to this question is apparently the Bible. Sorry. That’s what I meant. Misunderstood the question. Next?

4. One book that made you laugh.
Belly Button Book. “Do you wonder where we are? It’s BELLY BUTTON BEACH!! Where tons of hippos stand around in bathing suits too little, because they hope you will admire the buttons on their middle.” Cracks me up, man. Cracks me up.

5. One book that made you cry.
But Not the Hippopotamus. It’s sad to see that racism is still alive and well in the 21st century. First the hog and frog cavorted in the bog, and excluded Hippo. That’s a slam dunk in a housing discrimination lawsuit. Then the moose and goose wouldn’t share juice – just like segregated water fountains. And then, just as Hippo gets integrated into society, BLAMMO – Armadillo gets excluded, probably due to hysteria about him coming from Mexico and his willingness to do hard, physical labor at a low wage. Shameful. Just shameful. We’re all God’s children people. Fight the Power.

6. One book you wish had been written.
How to Get These Blasted Teeth Out of My Gums

7. One book you wish had never been written.
Goodnight Moon. I know this is anathema to everyone, but it doesn’t do much for me. Doesn’t hold my interest. I get it. Goodnight. That’s sufficient. I don’t need to say goodnight to the table, the chair, the moon, the bowl of mush, the carpet, the dust mites, the cockroach, the blade of grass outside, Jon Boy, etc. Just say goodnight and let me go to sleep already.

8. One book you are currently reading.
The Story of Joshua. Apparently I lead the Israelites to the Promised Land someday. Who knew?

9. One book you have been meaning to read.
Fear and Trembling. Mostly because Dad wants to read this. It apparently an exposition on Genesis 22, where Abraham is tested by being asked by God to sacrifice his one and only son Issac, and discusses the difference between faith and resignation. Let’s just say that any book Dad reads about someone sacrificing their only son is a book that I feel I should read as well…..


Where's the Fire -- 'Cause I Can Put It Out!!

So tonight, Dad got home from work in time to help give me my bath. Mom already had me in the tub when he walked into my bathroom, and I stood up to say hi to him. Did I mention I'm standing a lot now? Yeah. I like to stand. However, it is apparently not wise to stand in the bathtub, because you can slip, which I did. Mom hugged me and made me feel better. Man, who knew that a room so tiny can be so dangerous? First the toilet "incident", and now this. I don't know how Mom and Dad have managed to live as long as they have without serious bodily injury from that place.

On that latter point, after I was done getting clean, Dad got me out and put me in my crib to air dry a little. I then proceeded to -- you guessed it -- stand up. Fascinating thing -- not sure if you other dudes have figured this out-- without a diaper on, you can stand there, and....uhh.. let the river run through it, if you know what I mean.

Dad and I kinda both just stood there in fascination. Well, actually, Dad's range of emotions extended a little beyond fascination. When he told Mom, she asked "Why did you do that?". Well, you see I was testing the hydrodynamic properties of nitrogenous waste products as they are vertically expelled via gravity feed.... I don't freaking know why I did it!! Hello!!! Remember?? Baby. Me. Hi.

Dad says this may be one of the greatest advantages to being a guy. Quicker. Less sitting on public toilets. Fewer lines at sporting events and outdoor concerts. Basically, he said, the world is really your toilet -- or at least can be in a pinch.

Fun urinal links:

1. The Peter Potty Toddler Urinal. It's flushable, but no plumbing required. Not quite sure how that works out any differently than just peeing on the floor, but ok.
2. The Urinal Game. Test your knowledge of men's room etiquette.
3. Urinals of the International Space Station. To boldly go where no man has gone before.
4. The World's First Interactive Urinal Communicator. Um.. I don't really think you want your toilet talking back to you. Sing-yes. Talk-no.
5. The Video Game Urinal. A joke about the PS2 seems appropriate here, but this is a family blog.


Dad, Mom, & Me

That makes 3! (Sorry Shadow.)


Code Red in Joshnonia

So Dad helped launch the state of Texas' new Electricity Alert System this week to tell people how to save money by conserving energy and what the status of the electricity grid is. For example, this week was a Yellow Alert due to the hot weather and record electricity demand.

But you shouldn't worry, because our power has been out routinely enough this week to save the grid. That's right, in addition to Monday's saga, the power went out yesterday on Dad's birthday due to a transformer catching fire. Not sure if was Megatron or Optimus Prime, but the end result was no power in all of our area for a couple of hours. We were actually at the grocery store when it happened, and let me tell you sister--- Josh don't like being in the dark suddenly. But some nice people came over and patted my back until Mom picked me up and made it all better. Plus, we got to cut in line because everyone was so sorry for the woman with the freaked out baby. See --- having Josh around pays dividends!

I pretty sure if I'm ever in water and then it becomes dark suddently, I'll implode.

Anyway, I suggested to Dad that his new alert system needs to have a special status code for Joshnonia, since the statewide guide is not a good indicator of the service quality around these parts. Here's how this week would have looked. Glad I can help do my part. Other possible titles for this post:
  • And There's a Code Brown in my Diaper
  • Austin Powerless
  • Austin Lack of Energy
  • I Demand Advance Notice of These Unplanned Outages!
  • Transformers! More that Meets the Eye! --- If You Could See, But You Can't Because the Power is Out
Ahhhh -- electric utility humor. It doesn't get dorkier than that.

PS-- If you didn't, click on the Optimus Prime link. I can't wait for my 18th birthday now!!!! Tate, I hope you'll like being known as Mrs. Prime.


July 19th

One year ago today I looked like this and my Dad turned 30!

Today, I look like this and my Dad turns 31!
Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!

Happy Birthday to Uncle Dennis, Uncle Jeff and my cousin JT, too!

Give Me a Break

Last night around 6pm the power went out on our street. Fortunately, I was in the bath tub, so I barely noticed that the a/c was off and the house was getting hot.

Around 7pm, just as the downstairs reached 80 degrees, Dad came home, and the a/c came back on. (I don't think there is any correlation there.) During my going to bed routine, the power tripped off again. Stifling hot. That's how Dad described it. It was way too hot to be upstairs and way too hot for anyone to be able to fall asleep. So, Mom went to her swim class (um, not contributing to a solution there, Mom) and Dad took me for a drive in the air conditioned car.

When we got home, I was still awake, so he took me for a stroll around the block. I guess since I feel asleep in the stroller at church on Sunday he wanted to give it a shot. (Um, don't tell Dad, but it only works when Holly is pushing the stroller.)

Around 9pm, Mom came home and the a/c came back on. (Again, I don't think there is any correlation, but I'm getting suspicious.) I finally conked out around 10pm. Obviously, I planned to sleep in this morning.

At 6am this morning, I'm still dreaming, and an alarm goes off on Dad's cell phone. Apparently he forgot to turn it off last night. Ugh! Good morning, I guess. I'm pretty tired, but I put on a happy face, and head down for breakfast.

Mom put me back in my crib for my morning nap around 9am. Nice. Finally, I'll catch up on some Z's. At some point during my nap, the power went back off. At 10am, it came back on. How do I know? Well, when the power comes back on the whole house beeps. All this electronic gear. Come on! Really! I need to sleep. OK. Nap is over. I just can't bring myself to go back to sleep.

So, this is a warning: I need my afternoon nap. Don't call, don't ring the doorbell, don't make beeping noises! And for goodness' sake, keep the power on!

Mom muttered something about just going to the mall to spend the $38.50 she made at Suzy's mom's garage sale this weekend if the power goes out again. I think moving is a better idea. Honestly, we don't need to put up with this heat. We should move north, to say, South Dakota. It never gets too hot there.


I Want My Two Dollars!!!

So tonight at dinner, Mom fed me most of the time, but Dad took over once I started fussing and acting like I didn't want to eat anymore. I had a little bit of avocado left, but kept turning my head away. Dad (I think jokingly) said, "Come on, Josh. If you eat one more bite, I'll give you a dollar.".

Mouth open. Avocado eaten. Boo-yah!

There's enough avocado left for one more bite, and I again turned my head, 'cause hey-- I gots my money. Then Dad says, "Come on. Double or nothing." Mom warned me that he was just trying to scam me out of my hard earned GW, but I'm too slick for that.

Mouth open. Avocado eaten. Double boo-yah!!

Then I ate a whole jar of apples, bananas, and kiwi-- just to rub it in.

So that $2.00, once invested in the proper financial instrument to return me an average return of 10% per year, is going to grow into a nice $12.01 by time I'm 18. If I can pull this off once a month, I'll have a cool $1,223.15. If Dad gets suckered into once a day, Josh will be rolling in just under $37,000.

That's a lotta avocado baby!

Yeah, but they were in the desert....

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9

The last session of my swim class was yesterday. I started a week ago Monday. The class was pretty small - me and two girls, "Dora" (6 mo.) and "Ariel" (9 mo.) (I've changed their names to protect their identities. You'll understand.) If we were competing in the Olympics I'd get the bronze. Actually, I'd get the gold, because they don't let boys and girls compete against each other--- praise God for that!

Dora's mom brought her to class, so I didn't see her dad, but I'm pretty sure he is a fish. She goes under the water and doesn't cry. Crazy! I don't get it. Going under water is whack! I mean, jeez, I spent 9 1/2 months in Waterworld (which Dad says is slightly less time than the Kevin Costner movie, or at least it seems that way), and I'm on dry land now people. Why go backwards -- life is about moving on. I'm serious. Don't try putting me back in-- I'll cry.

What's that? Boys don't cry? Boys who are secure in their masculinity do. And I'm not afraid to admit when I'm in over my head or more to the point, when someone is trying to put me in over my head. There's no shame in being scared out of my swim diaper.

By the end of our first 30 minute class the instructor was modifing her instructions - "Let's do X, but Josh, you can do slightly less than X." No shame. Josh is who Josh is. Mom was supportive. I think she's awesome.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like the water. I like floating. I like splashing. I like being outside. However, I don't like being on my back. I don't like being under water - not that I ever got close. I don't like leaky swim diapers. Actually, I don't really care about that last one, but Mom wasn't too excited about getting wet before getting in the pool. But that Mom's a quick thinker. She discretely dunked us in the pool so that our bottom halves were wet before class began. Mom saves the day - again. But...um... I'd make sure you swim with your mouth closed if you're at Dick Nichols Pool anytime soon.

I think the low point of the class for Mom was when I got too friendly with Ariel. One day Ariel was reaching out to touch me. Not wanting to be rude, I reached for her as well. Actually, I reached directly for the red birthmark on her cheek. It's just like the red birthmark that Dad has on his chest. Sometimes Dad lays down and I push on his red spot. For some reason, it always rings like a doorbell. Dad says its the delivery entrance to Narna. It must only be open at night, because no matter how often I push it, nothing other than the "ding-dong" sound occurs. So, logic said that I should give Ariel's red spot a good pressing to see if it was the day entrance. Long story short, it is not, and Mom turned about the same shade of red.

Now although yesterday was the last day, my actual last day was on the 6th-- yes, I only went to three out of eight. Why is that? Well, the class was actually during my morning nap time, and I kinda got all around crazy for the whole week because I could never find another grove to get into, so we stopped doing them.

Mom says it worked out to be about 50 cents per minute. What can you do?

Where's Josh?



I am not G.I. Jane

Let me paint you a picture...figuratively of course, I'm just getting the pincher grasp down, so at most it would be a finger-painting anyway.

Imagine me wearing blue camouflaged swim trunks without a shirt. Can you see it? Now grab a kleenex and wipe off that drool. Just kidding. OK. Save that mental picture. Little boy... little boy blue shorts. Got it? Good.

Well, twice this week, on separate occasions, a stranger has approached Mom to comment on how cute I am. "Oh, isn't she cute?" She? What? I don't have a shirt on! I'm wearing blue camo cargo swim trunks! Blue camo cargo BOY swim trunks. Which is redudant, because girls don't wear swim trunks. So what's the deal? Is it my man boobs? It must be my man boobs and hippie hair. Mom is always polite and returns the compliment with "Yes, he is." But that's it, nothing but speedos from here on out.

Alright, I'll crawl down off my soap box now. Thanks for listening. You may resume whatever you were doing.