I am not G.I. Jane

Let me paint you a picture...figuratively of course, I'm just getting the pincher grasp down, so at most it would be a finger-painting anyway.

Imagine me wearing blue camouflaged swim trunks without a shirt. Can you see it? Now grab a kleenex and wipe off that drool. Just kidding. OK. Save that mental picture. Little boy... little boy blue shorts. Got it? Good.

Well, twice this week, on separate occasions, a stranger has approached Mom to comment on how cute I am. "Oh, isn't she cute?" She? What? I don't have a shirt on! I'm wearing blue camo cargo swim trunks! Blue camo cargo BOY swim trunks. Which is redudant, because girls don't wear swim trunks. So what's the deal? Is it my man boobs? It must be my man boobs and hippie hair. Mom is always polite and returns the compliment with "Yes, he is." But that's it, nothing but speedos from here on out.

Alright, I'll crawl down off my soap box now. Thanks for listening. You may resume whatever you were doing.


A Baker's Dozen of Things I've Learned

  1. Our neighbor Rhonda is a talented photographer. Or maybe I'm just that good lookin'.
  2. Touching the electric outlets gets Dad and Mom pretty excited even though they're covered (thanks Dad). Of course, judging by my experience grabbing the cell phone and remote control, they'll give up after I touch them 7 kerjillion times.
  3. It is better to drop your toy in the toilet prior to going pee and poo rather than after.... er... or so I've heard.... I wouldn't know...
  4. Even when I sit on the toilet, I can pee on Mom. Apparently that's not cool.
  5. I like raisins.
  6. I like feeding raisins to Dad. He said something about only a matter of time before I can go get him a beer. I'm ok with that, but I think having to pour it into his mouth and massage his throat so he has to do absolutely no work at all is a little much.
  7. I don't like iron drops. I would rather lick Shadow's butt. Shadow would rather I take the iron drops. Stalemate.
  8. You shouldn't lay on top of Shadow because she doesn't announce when she's gunna stand up, which will cause you to fall over.
  9. In that same vein, this gravity thing is fascinating. No matter how many times I grab a bunch of rice puffs, hold them out, and let go, they fall to the ground. I'm pretty sure I can get them to levitate, but I think it'll take much, much, much more practice.
  10. Having your blood drawn hurts less when Dad is holding you.
  11. Dad can back the car out of the garage in one turn. Mom needs about 17. It's just like the scene in Austin Powers. Hilarious.
  12. Tate - I checked, and it is still not ok to play in Shadow's water bowl. I'll let you know when that changes.
  13. When we take a three hour car trip, Mom and Dad have the choice of (A) leaving around my bed time, in which case I will sleep the whole time, but will promptly wake up when we reach our destination, and play until about 2 AM, or (B) leave around nap time, in which case I will sleep for 1 to 1.5 hours, and fuss and cry the rest. What's a Catch-22?


Travel Log - Entry # 1

We arrived at Uncle Jeff's place on Wednesday evening. I slept on the way up so that I would be rested when we arrived at midnight. The 3 hour nap did the trick and I was able to entertain Uncle Jeff, Dad, and Mom for a couple of hours once we arrived. I hope they appreciated my efforts.

Not wanting to waste daylight, I woke Mom up at 6am. Uncle Jeff's Direct TV had tons of channels for me to choose from. All the shows, the flipping back and forth, it was captivating really. I could have sat there all day just eating and flipping. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way? And why do we only have 8 channels at home? I need to remember to ask Mom and Dad.

As Uncle Jeff left for work Thursday morning, we continued north on IH-35 to Oklahoma City. Our first stop was G-Daddy's office. After brief introductions and leaving footprints on his desk, we headed to the house where Grandma was waiting for us. Grandma pushed me on the swing out back while Dad laid in the hammock. Mom sat around and read a magazine. That is not like her at all. I'm a little worried that she is lonely. I just can't give her all of the attention that she is accustomed to when I have so many people to play with. I gotta spread the "Josh time" around. I hope she understands.

When I woke up this morning, Aunt Liz was here. I hadn't seen her since Christmas; she had changed quite a bit. She seemed a little shorter than I remembered.

Today, I checked out the new floors that G-daddy put in the house. I gave his craftsmanship 4 stars. About 3:30pm we went to the zoo. We didn't see much - it closed at 2pm for a "special event." Quite frankly I'm not sure why our coming from Texas isn't special enough. I really wanted to see the new baby rhino. Maybe we'll try again tomorrow.

That's the inside scoop thus far. I sure miss Shadow, but I know that she is in good hands. Signing off...Josh

Mom's Doing a Victory Dance

Unbelievable! In all my 40 weeks, I've never seen her like this before. In less than 24 hours, she:

1. Had a very encouraging dinner with a girlfriend.
2. Slept in until 7am.
3. Brushed her teeth, washed her face, styled her hair, and put on clean clothes.
4. Changed the sheets on 2 beds and my crib.
5. Swept the upstairs and staircase.
6. Washed, dried, and folded 4 loads of laundry.
7. Packed for our trip to see Uncle Jeff, G-Daddy, Grandma, and Aunt Liz.
8. Loaded the car.
9. Fed me 3 meals and 2 snacks.
10. Put me down for 3 (albeit short) naps.
11. Ate lunch sitting down.


So You Think You Can Dance?

I don't think, I know I can! Here's proof:

Click on these two pictures to enlarge them. Then, quickly flip back and forth between them.

You'll see some very fancy footwork, my friend. Impressed? I know. Maybe even a little jealous? Undoubtedly so.

OK. Break's over. Back to my speed crawling through the house, over to the plants, under the table, on top of Shadow....it is a busy day.

It Was Just a Matter of Time

38 weeks, 5 days, 23 hours, and 4 minutes: Age at which I began my career as Shadow's personal chef.

38 weeks, 5 days, 23 hours, and 4 minutes, 10 seconds: Age at which Mom advised me that said career was punishable in these parts. I'm still considering my options.


How Doth Dad Love Us? Let Us Count the Ways

Although Mom said it would be fine if he just rested and got better from our month of sickenss, Dad instead tried to be productive this past weekend with Mom and I away.

Dad's weekend accomplishments:
  • 9 cabinet latches installed;
  • 6 counters and sinks cleaned;
  • 5 trash cans emptied;
  • 5 rooms vacuumed;
  • 4 shelves polyurethaned;
  • 4 loads of laundry;
  • 3 toilets cleaned;
  • 2 bedrooms' paint touched up -- kinda (see below);
  • 2 dogs washed (We only have one, but Dad swears that much dirt and hair could not have come off of just one dog. Based on the clog in the tub, Dad thinks the second dog got sucked down the drain. Sad.);
  • 1 closet organized;
  • .5% of the mess in the garage cleaned (making a 80% improvement in the ability to walk through the garage);

Five more reasons Dad will die first because of the effects of elevated blood pressure:

  1. He learned that whenever you need spackle or wood filler, yours will always have either (A) dried into a crumbly, useless hard solid, or (B) mysteriously liquefied into a stinking container of goo.
  2. He learned there is in fact something worse than screwing a plastic wall anchor into a stud with a power drill, thereby getting it stuck halfway into the wall. That would be screwing a plastic wall anchor into drywall, but then trying to back out the screw that subsequently went into the anchor, spinning the entire assembly and slightly widening the hole, meaning you have to start over -- after spackling --- see no. 1.
  3. Even though you have almost a full gallon of "cookie crumb" color paint, you really can't touch up the wall painted with another gallon of "cookie crumb" color paint, because it doesn't match. This means that at some point, you will have to repaint the whole wall, because it will actually look worse after you touch it up.
  4. Tried to hang and level a shelf on the wall without someone to help. Enough said.
  5. Realized that before you build shelves that you think will look really neat on the bedroom wall, you might want to think about how you are going to attach said shelves to the wall in a way where they actually have a prospect of holding something - or more importantly, if it is even possible to attach said shelves to the wall to accomplish that goal and have them look the way you intended. He says there's really only one word that comes to mind when you do those things in the wrong order. I'm still not sure how what's often in my diaper helps with that problem, but whatever.

Other things Dad did while we were gone:

  1. Slept in. (I'm unfamiliar with the concept -- I guess he slept until, like 7 AM or something. Laayyy--zeeeeee.)
  2. Took an undisturbed late afternoon nap.
  3. Ate pizza without Mom staring at him with a mix of sadness and just a little pinch of rage because of her not being able to eat dairy, including cheese, which I hear is an important component of pizza.
  4. Ate said pizza cold the next morning.
  5. Re-watched Return of the Jedi. He says he went ahead and said aloud to the room "Yes, I've seen it before, but I want to watch it again" before he watched it just so he wouldn't get out of practice.


I'm Gunna Miss My Dad

This morning, Mom and I are flying up to Kansas City to spend the weekend with my great-grandmother. I've never met a great-grandmother before, though I'm blessed with three of them! This great-grandma lives in my great-great-great uncle's house. Wow! Mom's parents are driving up to KC to meet us, too. I'm gunna be surrounded by people who love me...but I'm gunna miss my Dad. I'm gunna miss him the most. (Sorry Shadow.)

Hope ya'll have a great weekend. I love you Dad!